If you find yourself on this post, I suspect you are experiencing pain and heartache through an ending relationship.
I want to start off by saying I am here for you and I empathize with your pain. I know you are feeling as if your heart is torn to bits and your soul is lost. Here, grab my virtual hand.
I am here for you.
Below I share my story and offer insight on how you can feel at peace with this separation and fully move forward with your life. Yes, you read that correctly. I know you will one day be at peace with it all and be happy for what this relationship and breakup taught you. You will discover love once again.
Even if you wish to get back together with this person, grief and healing must happen for the relationship as you knew it was not working and needs to be let go and moved forward from.
- Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
- Write Your Feelings Down
- Pour Into Other Aspects of Your Life
- Change Your Home Environment
- Forgive Yourself for the Weak Moments
- Celebrate When You Stay Strong
- Reflect Honestly on Your Ex and Your Past Relationship
- Know Your Worth
- Be Grateful
Back Story
The other day I was going through storage bins underneath the guest bed when I found a stack of old journals. I opened a few up, noticing the years overlapped my previous long-term relationship and the subsequent breakups over the span of 2018 – 2021.
Yes, plural, breakups.
The relationship I shared with this person and the breakups that followed brought on such meaningful change to my life that I am forever grateful for that person and our shared creation that was the relationship.
Even with all of the sadness and pain through our separation, I am grateful for the relationship and the breakups.
As I flipped through the pages I could feel all the intense emotions: pain and confusion and frustration and anger and utter sorrow. I am glad I am an avid journaler and recorded how I was truly feeling in those moments since now I can reflect on those feelings.
The first breakup with my ex, I was pushed to drastically change my behavior and step into the person I wanted to be. The second breakup, I further developed my interest in spirituality, the essence of the universe, and letting go.
Both formative experiences led me to become who I am today.
I say all this to say that although this heartbreak you feel now seems to be the worst thing ever, there is some light to the ending of this relationship and what it means for you and how you’ll grow.
1. Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
It’s okay to feel sad that this relationship is over. Give yourself space and time to cry it out and feel sad about it ending.
All of those future plans you made in your head are no longer going to come to fruition. The future pet dog you already named, the house you envisioned, that entire life you planned will not exist. And that is okay.
Be sad about all of this and grieve the loss.
There is no perfect timeline on how long you should give yourself to grieve, but do take time and sit with the sadness as it strikes.
At first, the grief will consume you day in and day out. Slowly, however, there will be gaps of feeling okay between the pain. And those gaps will increase from seconds to minutes to hours to days. Eventually, you will go weeks without thinking about your ex and the pain.
Then BOOM! Random sadness, again.
This is how grief works.
I have been there. I have cried about the loss of this intense relationship while happily in a new relationship. This is how grief works. It is a nonlinear path and sadness strikes as it pleases.
Thankfully, the time between the spurts of sadness will grow and grow until you can go months and even years without feeling those sad emotions. Healed.
2. Write Your Feelings Down
I am a huge fan of journaling. I used my journal religiously during the intense breakups. I find that my brain is extra active (aka, I am more anxious) whenever I do not feel at peace with my life. Having a journal handy is an excellent way to get those thoughts onto paper and out of my mind.
There were days I would write pages and pages all throughout the day, which helped me work through the pain and sorrow that would come up. I cannot recommend journaling enough. I keep one handy in my purse, ready to be filled when emotions strike.
There are two types of journals I would consider having during this time of heartbreak:
- A journal for your anxious thoughts where you can write how you are currently feeling
- A journal for scripting with a focus on how you want to feel and moving out of your current state of emotion
In this post, I share more about my journaling history and discuss various types of journals you could keep.
3. Pour Into Other Aspects of Your Life
While in relationships, and failing relationships at that, I tend to notice that other areas of life become neglected. Use this time to pour your energy into other areas of your life as both a distraction and a means to push through every day and not be consumed with the thoughts of heartache.
In this post, I share 10 ideas on things you can do alone. You are a strong, independent woman and you don’t need no man to do things by yourself!
Work
When my ex and I broke up for the second time, I poured myself into my job. If you are working at a regular 9 to 5 type of job, use your breakup as an opportunity to expand your career.
- Take on extra projects
- Volunteer for more opportunities
- Attend networking events.
Learn and grow as much as possible and excel during the process.
I was able to expand my value and my knowledge through the amount of time I had to care about this job and the team around me.
Friendships
Make plans and spend time with your friends.
Say yes to going out and seeing friends at least three weeks of the month. I like to have weekly plans to see friends and would rely on this time heavily during my breakups and while healing from breakups.
During my time in Florida, it was weekly trivia night. During my time in Arizona, it was weekly yoga and flow sessions.
Find something recurring that you can commit to doing and invite your friends to these activities. If you neglected friendships during your relationship, use this breakup as an excuse to reconnect.
Your friends are waiting to hear from you.
Hobbies
- Read a book
- Take painting lessons
- Join an adult sports league
- Learn how to quilt
- Enroll in dance lessons
- Sign up for a cooking class
- Pick up a camera and learn photography.
There are so many awesome potential hobbies out there and since you are single and full of time to yourself, now is a great opportunity to try some ideas out and see what you enjoy.
Physical Health
Exercise!
I do not care if you choose to workout at a gym or go for nature walks, please move your body and understand that there are immense mental benefits when you prioritize your physical health.1
Especially for young women, who tend to ignore this important aspect of life.
It can be helpful to start small and plan one physical activity a week. Then, slowly work up to exercising 3-5 times a week. I do not think you will regret it. If you try it and hate it, you can let me know in the comments below.
But I think you’ll love it.
4. Change Your Home Environment
If it is available to you, change your living situation as soon as possible when you are experiencing heartbreak.
This may be woo-woo, but I find that we tie a lot of our energy to the spaces we reside in.
One of the best ways I was able to move forward with my life and heal from the breakup was by having a new space to associate with the new place I am in life. I am now single so single Samara lives here, whereas that Samara in the former relationship lived over there.
I compartmentalize.
If it is available to you, move to a new home. If money is a concern, move in with family or find a roommate. Try anything to get you out of that former space and living in a new environment.
5. Forgive Yourself for the Weak Moments
Trust me, there will be weak moments.
- Moments where you decide to reach out to your ex.
- Moments where you decide to text or call him back.
- Moments where you agree to go out to dinner with him.
- Moments where you hook up with him.
Trust me, I know there will be these moments because I was there.
Healing is a nonlinear journey. When you are ready to move on fully, you will. It sometimes takes these “weak” moments, or better yet comfortable moments, that you sink back into during your path of moving forward and healing.
This is okay.
I find that I usually felt great in the moment and a day or so afterward, but when inevitably nothing changed because nothing has changed, I felt worse. You may also feel worse.
Instead of asking yourself “why do I keep going back to him,” understand that you made the choice to engage with your ex and then continue to push forward. There is no reason to dwell on the action longer than you need to.
Grab your journal, write down all those emotions that surface after your weak moment, pick up the pieces of your shattered-again-heart, and continue forward.
6. Celebrate When You Stay Strong
The antithesis of the tip above, make sure you celebrate those victories when you don’t engage with your ex.
- When you ignore his text or call
- When you finally stand up for yourself and put your foot down to being strung along
- When you refuse to be used as an emotional support penpal.
It took a lot for me to finally reach this point with my ex, but I was so proud of myself to finally stand up for myself and let my feelings be known.
I informed him that I did not think we were in the position to be friends and that the only reason either one should be reaching out is because they were ready to open that door into a potential relationship once more. That was after nearly a year of on-and-off texting that generally led to nowhere but sadness for me and who knows where for him.
I was so proud of myself for finally recognizing my worth and how I was ready to let go of that fantasy and truly move forward with my healing and my life.
7. Reflect Honestly on Your Ex and Your Past Relationship
If you couldn’t guess by now, I love to write things down.
There is a helpful journal exercise that involves writing about your ex and your former relationship that will help you view the relationship objectively and continue your path moving forward from the heartbreak.
Journal Entry Exercise:
- Write about your ex in an honest way. Write about how you viewed him, his habits that annoyed you, things he did that gave you the ick, things you wanted to change about it, all of it. Truly paint a picture of how you viewed this person.
- Write about the relationship: what about it wasn’t working for you and what did you want to change about the relationship? Consider times you felt sad, lonely, disheartened, abandoned, or angry in the relationship and write about that.
- Expand upon the relationship analysis and write about your role in it ending. Then write about your partner’s role in the relationship ending.
I think writing about the relationship in this honest way allows for you to realize it was not perfect and in some way you knew it was not working for you, even if you were the one dumped. On some level, we know there are holes in the relationship, we are just too used to the comfort (that we call “love”) to woman up and leave.
I also find this to be helpful whenever a positive memory comes to mind about the relationship. Think about the entire memory. Was the whole interaction truly positive or was there an argument earlier that day? Did he blow off your plans to hang out with his friends?
Take off the rose-colored glasses and remember the whole picture.
8. Know Your Worth
Know your worth, do not settle.
- You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
- You deserve to be in a relationship where there is equal effort to make it work.
- You deserve a partner who appreciates you and what you bring to the relationship.
It can be hard to remember that we are worthy, especially while going through such a painful experience.
Make it a point to say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror every day. Write down a list of things you love about yourself. Schedule self-care time in your schedule every day to remind yourself that you are wonderful and deserve the pampering and care.
Breakups, although hard, are a great opportunity to regain confidence and a sense of self.
9. Be Grateful
“Nicht weinen, weil sie vorüber! Lächeln, weil sie gewesen!”2
An ode to my German side, with that one. In all seriousness, though, you will reach a point where you will feel grateful for that relationship and all that you learned from it.
Every relationship is not meant to last forever, and those that come to a close allow us to learn about ourselves and grow to become better people to those around us and the next potential partner. What a gift!
You may not be here yet, but one day you will be. I know it. I feel it in my bones.
The pain will wash away and you are on your way to healing from this heartbreak and finding love once again.
Closure
Thank you for reading my semi-ramble and bits of advice on healing from intense heartbreak. I appreciate your time and wish you the best on this healing journey.
- Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
- Write Your Feelings Down
- Pour Into Other Aspects of Your Life
- Change Your Home Environment
- Forgive Yourself for the Weak Moments
- Celebrate When You Stay Strong
- Reflect Honestly on Your Ex and Your Past Relationship
- Know Your Worth
- Be Grateful
For more on journaling, read my post about it here.
If you want to take control of your life, check out my tips on being accountable for your life.
For insight on attracting the perfect partner, check out my post on that.
- Granero-Jiménez, J., López-Rodríguez, M. M., Dobarrio-Sanz, I., & Cortés-Rodríguez, A. E. (2022). Influence of Physical Exercise on Psychological Well-Being of Young Adults: A Quantitative Study. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(7). https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19074282 ↩︎
- Jacobowski, Ludwig. “Leuchtende Tage.” Leuchtende Tage, J.C.C. Bruns, 1901, 1. ↩︎
